INTRODUCING: Fags about town


Coming full circle

Fag /fag/

Meaning: A tiring or unwelcome task. “It’s too much of a fag to have a conversation with mum these days”.

See also: A junior pupil at a public school who does minor chores for a senior pupil. “You should remember Bubu, he was JSS 2’s biggest fag”

CC: Offensive term for homosexuals. “ Who the hell does that fag think he is to just walk where men are gathered”?

Ure, Morenike and I are perhaps the weirdest or as I like to say, interesting group of girls Lagos has seen yet, add Kelechi , oops Kelz ( I need to remember he doesn’t go by Kelechi anymore) and it gets worse.

See; we aren’t a strange quadrant because we come from different tribes but seem to be a new form of Siamese quadruplets, or because we all hooked up with the same guy last year and all of Lagos knows it (oh Yes, that happened), or even because we have a weekly rendezvous at Quilox every Friday at 10 and are usually really wild about it.

Truth be known, I have no Idea why we are considered weird by all and sundry but I suspect strongly that referring to ourselves as FAGS to anyone who would listen probably helped build a case for our supposed weirdness.

We’re the biggest FAGS of the Island, and though it took a much longer time than the time it took Kelz to finally come out of the closet, the elite of Lagos know it. And no, we aren’t fags because we’re gay (asides Kelz, I’m pretty sure everyone is straight, for now) we’re FAGS because we’re faddy, grounded, Swanks boo boo!

I would make introductions but you would find out whom everyone is anyways, its lunch day for the FAGS, besides, what sort of Fag would I be If I had to introduce myself every time I meet someone new, there’s just no swank in that darling.

“James, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m sorry miss Hilda, but it’s my wife on the phone.”

I’m livid, “How is that a reason to pick up a call when you’re working, do I have to remind you what the first rule is?”

“No ma’am, I remember and I apologize, but it’s a family emergency and really serious, I wouldn’t otherwise.”

Oh no, I’m not going to get any gritty personal details of an employee, Jesus Hilda! Not after what happened last year.

“I do not care what situation you’re in James; you know better than to put Balenciaga at risk of getting wrinkled from your inability to concentrate on your driving, I do not expect you to understand though one would expect that you would have developed taste by now after driving me around for almost a year.”

“I really am sorry ma’am, it would never happen again.”

Gosh, I’m running late again!

“I’m so sorry I’m late guys, it took James that… urgh”

“Calm your titties, Hilda, what did James do this time?”

“My titties are perky and perfectly fine Kelz, it’s my driver I’m not so sure about”

“It’s alright doll, but you know the rule, today’s tab is all you b.”

“I know, I know. But where are the girls?”

I see Gucci and Louis Vuitton purses but I don’t see them

“Hey Hilds, what took you so long.”

Ure and Morenike arrive from the ‘employees only’ side of the restaurant.

“She was just explaining that James…”

“James again!” They scream in unison.

“Whoa, what do you mean?”

“Well that’s the 4th James update in one day, Hilds hope this isn’t Emeka all again.”

Crap, I wasn’t keeping tabs on my James updates, heck I wasn’t even aware there was one till now.

“No it is nothing like that Morenike, and I thought we were past that.”

“Oh no Hilds, we aren’t past that, infact I don’t think we can ever get past the fact that you…”

I cringe

“Common girls, give her a break, come sit. Besides it’s too early to give Ikoyi yet another fresh FAGS drama.”

“Thanks James, I…”

Oh God, now this inquisition would never end, I know that because I see Kelz giving me the stare from under a £1,215 Nick Fouquet.

“Okay hun, come sit and tell us what happened”

“It’s nothing, I just…”

They’re all giving me the stare now. Oh lord, help me because it can’t be Emeka over again. See, Emeka was my driver and I uhm, sorta had an affair with him…

Continued next wednesday




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